I Never Told You
by AnnabethLeMorte
Summary: **Tell Me You Love Me Timestamp (takes place before Chapter 38 through a series of flashbacks)** Reading the main story is recommended to understand this one. WARNINGS: Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Domestic Violence & Descriptions of Violence. Human AU SLASH FIC: Cop!Dean, Doctor!Castiel, Doctor!Balthazar


**I Never Told You**

by Annabeth LeMorte

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters are mine, they remain the property of their respective owners. I'm just borrowing them to play for a little bit. All the stories are done for fun, not profit.

**Rating: M**

**Warnings: SLASH FIC,** **Major Angst, Mentions of Domestic Violence, Descriptions of Violence,** Emotional Hurt, Jealousy

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**Summary: ** ****Tell Me You Love Me** Timestamp (takes place before Chapter 38 through a series of flashbacks)**

I recommend you read the main story to understand this one...otherwise, it won't make a whole lot of sense. Told entirely from Balthazar's POV. There's no depictions of Balthazar/Castiel in sexual situations, so if that's not your thing, don't worry. The rating is purely for language and the depictions of past violence...not between Castiel/Balthazar, but if you read TMYLM, you know that already.

It's very angsty and will probably make you cry. All I ask is that you please give it a chance. *smiles*

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**AN:** So after hearing Colbie Caillat's song "I Never Told You" the idea for this Timestamp got lodged in my head and wouldn't let go. I haven't really explored Castiel & Balthazar's past so when this premise hit me, I went with it. It's a series of flashbacks that are triggered by Balthazar hearing the same song.

It's not a songfic in the strictest sense of the word, but it does draw heavily on the lyrics. I felt VERY strongly that this song fit how Balthazar's been feeling before and during the telling of the main story. I hope the readers enjoy my little foray into the mind of Dr. Sebastian.**  
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"_I miss those blue eyes…how you kiss me at night._

_I miss the way we sleep._

_Like there's no sunrise…like the taste of your smile._

_I miss the way we breathe."_

- November 2012-

Balthazar is sitting in his study, editing his contribution the quarterly newsletter for the Emergency Department. He's put it off all month, but Meg pointedly reminded him today that the deadline is the day after tomorrow. Granted, Balthazar has known what he wanted to write about, but sitting and typing it out is just not his idea of a good time. There are other ways he'd rather spend his time, but now that he's put his mind to it, his fingers are flying over the keyboard. He's completely focused on the task at hand…until his iPod shuffles to a song he'd honestly forgotten he ever downloaded. Balthazar sucks in a breath and sits back in his chair, swallowing hard. It's been years since he's heard this song…and it surprises him that the lyrics still hit him like a ton of bricks. He leans his head back and shuts his eyes, remembering the first time he heard the song. His bottom lip quivers at the memory, but Balthazar clenches his jaw, refusing to give in to the sudden, painful urge to cry.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_But I never told you…what I should have said._

_No, I never told you…I just held it in."_

-March 2010-

"You should come work at St. Joe's."

Castiel looks at him, face incredulous, "Me?" Balthazar looks around them, brows pressing together and nods once. "Work at St. Joseph's?" He nods again, taking a sip from his mug of tea. "With you?" Balthazar nods, yet again. "Definitely not." The blonde presses his lips together, but doesn't say anything. Castiel snorts a laugh and shakes his head.

Balthazar puts his mug down on the table and scowls, "And why the hell not?!" He doesn't even realize just how loud his voice is, even though a few people turn to stare at them. It shows just how much his best friend's nonchalant comment affected him. Castiel simply shrugs, sipping from his own mug carefully. Balthazar exhales angrily and pushes away from the table, "If you're going to be a rude little shit, I'm leaving." He stands up and makes his way through the coffee shop. Balthazar is out the front door and on the sidewalk before Castiel catches up, urgently calling out his name. He ignores him, joining the crowd of people crossing the street and tries to control the small sting of rejection curling in the pit of his stomach.

A hand wraps around his upper arm, but he shakes it off, not slowing down. "Baz! Would you wait a minute, please?" Balthazar enters the parking lot, pulling his car keys out of his pocket as he walks. He can hear Castiel following him -Granted, the younger man _has_ to, having ridden _with_ him to the coffee shop- and he quickens his steps, not wanting to have this conversation where other people might overhear. "Balthazar! Wait!"

His thumb presses the key fob, unlocking the car and he pulls open the driver-side door before turning. Balthazar holds up his index finger when Castiel opens his mouth to speak, "I warn you, my patience is wearing thin. You called because you needed to talk, correct?" Castiel simply nods. "And you wouldn't come to my place because your boyfriend hates me. So, being the incredibly understanding friend that I am, I traipsed halfway across town to this coffee shop. _After_ picking you up from the hospital, mind you. _Then, _after listening to you tell me just how exceedingly _rude_ your Attending was, I offer what I happen to think is a viable option. But instead of thanking me, you decide to insult me." He pauses to take a breath and wipes a hand over his face in frustration, "You need to be exceedingly grateful that I love you, Castiel." Without another word, Balthazar gets in the vehicle and starts the engine.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_And now I miss everything about you._

_I can't believe it…I still want you._

_After all the things we've been through…_

_I miss everything about you."_

That night, Balthazar feels his eyes well up when the words of a random song hit him square in the chest. He rushes to shut the music off and finds that he can't keep the tears from tracking down his cheeks. It's a painful realization of how he lost something beautiful because of his youthful ignorance…something he'll never get back…no matter how hard he tries.

Balthazar doesn't know the name of the song and he forgets about it until a few days later. He's forced to pull over to the side of the road when he switches radio stations and there it is again…ripping through his heart. The lyrics are too close to how he feels…not that he'll ever admit it to anyone.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_I see your blue eyes every time I close mine._

_You make it hard to see…_

_Where I belong to when I'm not around you._

_It's like I'm not with me."_

-April 2010-

Balthazar rushes down the hallway and bursts through the doors of the emergency department. He flashes his employee badge at the policeman standing guard outside of Exam One. When the officer doesn't move, Balthazar tries to get around him. The grey-eyed man puts a hand in the center of his chest and holds him back. "No one is to get in here until his next of kin arrives, Sir."

The doctor lifts his gaze and snarls into the policeman's face, "I am his next of kin, you…you…you…ignorant ape!" He pointedly glances down at the hand pressed into his chest. "Now, if you would kindly unhand me and let me in."

"It's fine, Officer. You may let him in."

Balthazar turns at the sound of Dr. Gaines' voice and nods at him in thanks. The police officer removes his hand and steps aside, granting him access to the exam room. Balthazar enters the dimly lit room and shuts the door, quietly making his way to the bedside. Castiel is resting prone on the hospital bed, a white sheet pulled up to his shoulders. The only sound in the room is the soft beeping of the machine monitoring Castiel's heart rate. Balthazar lowers the side rail closest to him and pulls a chair closer, one hand lifting the sheet to see that most of Castiel's back is covered by gauze. He sucks in a breath and swallows hard, leaning to brush a tentative kiss to the shoulder closest to him. "Oh, Cassie…" Castiel makes a small noise of protest and Balthazar soothes him with a hand on his hair, whispering softly, "Shhhh, I'm here."

Castiel whimpers in his drug-induced slumber, turning to face him, a small hitched, "D-daddy," slipping past his chapped lips.

The whisper brings tears to Balthazar's eyes and he leans forward, lips pressing to Castiel's temple, "Yes, darling, Daddy's here. You're safe, sweet boy." His hand cards through the dark mess of the younger man's hair, soothing when a sob chokes out of the injured man, "I'm here." He loses track of how long he sits there, hand making its circuit over Castiel's hair and the tiny bits of skin not covered by medical tape and gauze. Balthazar comforts softly whenever his former lover moans or pleads quietly in his sleep, "Shhh, darling. I'll not leave you alone."

"Baz?"

Balthazar sits back slightly; Castiel's eyes are open, blinking heavily as if struggling to focus through the haze of drugs coursing in his system. "Yes, Cassie?"

"You came?"

The question is shaky and Balthazar raises the bed up so he can rest his chin on the mattress, meeting Castiel's eyes, "Of course I came. I'll always come. Even when you don't want me to…I'll still make sure you're all right before I leave." He takes a deep breath, garnering strength for his question, "Is that what you want? For me to leave?" Castiel tries to push onto his elbows and hisses in pain, mouth falling open in shock. His eyes blink rapidly and he swallows repeatedly, hand reaching out to wrap in the fabric of his shirt, "You want me to stay?" Castiel nods jerkily, body relaxing onto the bed, "Okay. I'll stay." Balthazar covers the hand clutching the dark purple shirt and rubs his thumb over Castiel's knuckles until the other man's hand relaxes enough to free the material. "They want you to stay overnight." Deep blue eyes lock with his and Balthazar quickly reassures him, "Simply for observation. They've already said I can take you home in the morning."

"Why can't I go home tonight? If you tell them I'm going home with you, they'll let me. Please, Baz, I want to go home." Balthazar takes a breath and Castiel pleads quietly, "Please."

Balthazar shuts his eyes, taking a steadying breath. He's never been able to tell Castiel no…not in all the years he's known him. Friends used to tease him about it when he and Castiel were dating. They'd singsong to him, _'Whatever Cassie wants…Cassie gets.'_ To this day, Balthazar finds it difficult to deny the younger man his requests. "Okay. I'll go ask." He smooths his hand over Castiel's cheek and stands up slowly, wiping his palms over the front of his jeans. "I'll be right back."

"Thank you, Baz."

Twenty minutes later, Balthazar has donned a scrub top and is helping Castiel into the button-down shirt he'd been wearing previously. He settles it on his shoulders carefully and cups both hands on Castiel's neck, "You okay?" His friend nods, lips pressing together to muffled his whimper of pain. There's a fine sheen of sweat on his upper lip and Balthazar wipes at it with one of his thumbs, "Sit on the edge of the bed, Cassie. I'll put your shoes on and then button the shirt." He's a little surprised that Castiel doesn't fight him, but doesn't call attention to it, simply focuses on the task at hand. Before long, they're making their way to the employee exit of the hospital, steps slow and careful because, of course, Castiel refused a wheelchair. It's an agonizingly long ride to Balthazar's condo and by the time they arrive, Castiel is gripping the dashboard in a white-knuckled grip. He's sitting forward, hands braced on the dash in an effort to keep his back from the seat he's in. Balthazar pulls into his driveway and shifts into park, "We're here."

Castiel nods and whispers tightly, "I know. Just give me a minute?"

"Of course, Cassie." Balthazar opens his door and gets out of the car, jogging up to his front door and unlocking it before returning to Castiel's side of the car and pulling his door open. He crouches down and balances on the balls of his feet, his right hand resting on his friend's thigh lightly, "You tell me when you're ready to move okay?" Castiel nods and Balthazar carefully reaches across his lap to release the seat belt.

The younger man takes a deep breath and murmurs, "I'm ready." Balthazar helps him turn in the seat, gently guiding his feet out of the car and onto the sloped driveway. He pauses when Castiel sucks in a breath, looking up at him, worry etched on his face. His friend manages a smile and assures him, "Relax, Baz. I'm fine. Help me up?" Balthazar stands, holding the door open for Castiel and shifts awkwardly, unsure of where to put his hands. Before leaving the hospital, he'd gotten an unfettered view of the extent of damage Alastair had done to Castiel's back. He's glad the vicious man is in police custody, because Balthazar isn't sure he would be able to restrain himself if the man was free. Castiel cups his cheek, dragging him out of his thoughts and Balthazar smiles at him, holding out both hands for him to take. He helps his friend up and takes a step back to brace himself when Castiel sags against his chest. "That was harder than I thought."

Balthazar lifts a hand to cup the back of Castiel's head, "I know, darling." His eyes drift shut at the feel of Castiel's face nuzzling into his neck, "The quicker we get inside, the sooner you can have a pain pill. I'll even let you sleep on my bed…on those fancy Egyptian cotton sheets you used to love. Remember those?" Castiel chuckles and hums in approval, the barest hint of a kiss grazing Balthazar's throat. "Cas-"

Whatever he was about to say dies in his throat, unspoken in light of Castiel's quiet, "Sleep sounds good." He offers an arm and smiles when Castiel slips his own through it before leaning against him. "I'm so tired it's overriding most of the pain, I think."

"Lets get you inside. If I could do it without hurting you, I'd carry you." Castiel laughs under his breath and Balthazar shuts the car door, locking the vehicle with a press of his thumb. The trip inside is slow going, but uneventful; no further hisses of pain, not a one. Balthazar helps Castiel out of the shirt and then his pants, "You want to sleep in your boxers or do you want a pair of sweats?"

Castiel heaves a tired sigh and mutters under his breath, "I wish I could sleep naked."

"You can." Balthazar chides him lightly for the look of surprise, "I'm going to sleep in the study, dear boy. You'll have the bed all to yourself." He kisses him on the forehead and moves to the dresser, grabbing a pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt to change into. Balthazar is halfway to the bathroom when Castiel begs him not to leave. "I'm just going to change, Cassie. I'll be right back." He smiles from the doorway, "I'll stay until you fall asleep. I promise."

That final statement is what has him still in bed with the younger man some four hours later. Each time Balthazar thinks that Castiel is asleep, he'll attempt to slip from the bed and the other man instantly snaps awake. Luckily, Castiel decided not to climb into bed naked. Castiel is asleep draped across his chest, head tucked underneath Balthazar's chin and one hand fisted in the material at the hip of his sleep pants. Balthazar is on his back, one hand cupping the back of Castiel's head and the other lightly ghosting fingertips over the small patches of uninjured skin of Castiel's back and shoulders. Every few minutes Castiel will twitch in his arms and whimper, his hand tightening its hold on his pants. It takes a while but finally, Balthazar is able to relax enough to fall asleep.

"_But I never told you…what I should have said._

_No, I never told you…I just held it in."_

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

-January 2011-

Balthazar is spread-eagled on Castiel's living room floor, not wanting to move an inch. He opens his eyes at the sound of his best friend's voice and finds Castiel leaning over him, watching him with a playful grin on his lips, "You do realize you'll have to relocate when the movers get here, correct?" Balthazar nods minutely and shuts his eyes again. "All right…as long as you're aware that you are in the exact spot where my sofa plans to reside. I'd really hate for you to be flattened into my gorgeous wood floors."

He lifts a hand up and pinches Castiel's lips together, "Cease your blathering, Cassie. I'm fully aware that I'll need to move."

Castiel snickers behind his fingers, easing down to sit beside him on the floor, legs tucked into lotus position. "Don't be such a grouch, Baz. You know you love me." Balthazar opens up one eye to glare at the younger man and sniffs haughtily. He sucks in a breath at the feel of Castiel's fingers tickling the exposed sliver of skin between the waistband of his jeans and the bottom hem of his t-shirt. "Admit it Baz-zy…you love me…even though I'm an annoyance."

Balthazar squirms away and catches Castiel's wrist in his hand, "Fine, you little twerp! I love you! There! Are you happy now, Castiel James?"

Castiel nods, a huge grin on his face as he slides closer. Balthazar fights the smile threatening to curl his lips because Castiel is giving him his 'naughty Cassie' grin and he's sure whatever the other man is about to ask for is something he won't be able to refuse. He leans in when Castiel does and lets his eyes drift shut at the brief kiss to his cheek. Damn his mawkishness! It'll be the death of him yet. The next words out of Castiel's mouth, make him furrow his brows, "I love you too, Balthazar Francis."

Balthazar chuckles in an effort to hide just how much those words mean to him, "Cheeky brat."

Castiel nuzzles into his shoulder and hums softly, "Mmm maybe, but you just said you love me and you can't take that back. Ever." Balthazar laughs softly and wraps an arm around Castiel's body, holding him in place for the kiss to his temple. He smiles into the skin when Castiel presses closer and whispers, "You can never take it back."

The statement makes him hug Castiel tighter and Balthazar swallows thickly, clearing his throat twice before he's able to respond, "I'd never dream of it, Cassie." He takes a breath and is about to say something else when the knock on the door interrupts him. Castiel pulls away and Balthazar lets him, albeit reluctantly. The younger doctor pulls open the front door and lets the movers in. It's much later, when the two men are eating dinner that Castiel asks him what he was going to say when the team of movers arrived. The question is asked in a teasing manner and Balthazar shrugs casually, lying when he tells Castiel that it mustn't have been important because he doesn't remember.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

-June 2011-

Castiel pulls away from him with a hissed, "I don't want to stay with you! Why can't you get that through you thick skull?!" Balthazar takes a step back and holds up his hands in defeat, but the other man isn't finished, "If I wanted your help, I would have asked you. There's a reason I asked Anna! Now leave me alone, you overbearing asshole!"

Balthazar presses his lips together and nods, blinking to keep his emotions in check, "Okay, Cassie. I'll go. If you change your mind, you have my number."

"I won't. Now get out!"

Balthazar backs out of the hospital room and rushes down the hallway to the elevators. The hot sting of tears behind his eyelids makes him turn and push the door to the stairwell instead. He makes his way down the two flights of stairs and wipes at his forehead with the back of his hand before emerging into the lobby. Balthazar pretends he doesn't hear the greeting from one of the first year residents that passes him in hallway leading to the parking garage. He's in the driver seat of his car when the first few tears leak down his cheeks. Balthazar _knows_ why Castiel doesn't want his help, but knowing doesn't make the rejection hurt any less. He's always been there for the younger man and not being able to offer support is making his chest ache. Not being able to help after Castiel's brutal attack is going to be one of the hardest things he's ever had to do.

Twenty minutes later, when his phone rings, Balthazar ignores it. He watches the screen light up with Anna's name, but just can't bring himself to deal with her. Little does he know that the redhead caught sight of him sitting in his car on her way in to pick up Castiel. She saw him slumped over his steering wheel and called to check on him. To this day, she's never told him and she probably never will.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

-November 2011-

"You have to let me see him!" Balthazar struggles with the police guard barring the door, trying to push his way into the trauma room. He swings at the young cop and is taken by surprise by the second policeman. The uniformed officer comes up behind him, subduing him in a chokehold, dragging him down the hallway to an empty room. Balthazar struggles in the man's grip, hissing, "Get your fucking hands off me! I have to see him! He's my-"

The taller cop (obviously the younger one's partner) shakes him, once, and explains calmly, "No one's going in there until the doctors say so. I don't care who you are, Sir, but until Dr. Gaines says you can go in, you're stuck out here."

Balthazar sags in the officer's grip and tells him, "I work here." He whispers tearfully, "Please…you have to let me see him. I have to tell him I'm here. You don't understand…he'll be looking for me. I'm his-"

The policeman relaxes his hold incrementally and Balthazar turns to look at him, both hands held up in surrender. "Are you family?" Balthazar hesitates and the man sees it. "No one but next of kin is allowed in there. Unless you can prove you're family, I'm sorry, but you're not getting in. You want the medical team to focus on your friend, right?" Balthazar nods. "Well, that's what they're doing right now; stabilizing him. Now why don't you go sit in the waiting room and I promise I'll come get you as soon as the doctor says it's okay."

Balthazar nods again, wiping at his face angrily. "Fine, I'll go. But will you please tell Dr. Gaines that Dr. Sebastian is here?" The officer nods and follows him until he's sure Balthazar isn't going to make a mad dash back towards the trauma room. Balthazar rubs his hands over his face and turns to lean both forearms on the wall outside the waiting room, head hanging down between his bent arms. He takes a deep breath and lifts his head, sending a silent prayer Heavenward before stepping into the waiting room.

What he sees makes him wish he'd gone to the employee break room instead. The handsome green-eyed policeman, Dean, is sitting in one of the stiff-backed chairs; hands and shirt caked with blood. There are dried tears on the man's face and Balthazar nearly passes out when those green eyes meet his from across the room. Dean stands up and Balthazar takes a step back, one trembling hand coming up to point at him, shaking his head in denial, "No. No, no, no…he's…" The younger man is still moving closer and he's talking but Balthazar can't hear what he's saying through the roaring of blood in his ears, "That's not his…no, no, NO!" That's when Dean pulls him into a hug, catching him when his knees give out. "No…please tell me that's not his blood. Please, I can't lose him…" Balthazar takes a harsh breath, not even realizing that he's sobbing into the green-eyed man's shoulder, "…not my Cassie…please, God…not him."

Both of them are crying when Dr. Gaines comes to let them know that Castiel is stable and in surgery. Dean is rocking him back and forth, rubbing his back and Balthazar lets him. It's strange, allowing someone to take care of him, but he's shell-shocked and numb. Dean lets him go in first when Castiel is moved into his room in the ICU and Balthazar nods his thanks.

Castiel looks so small on that bed, his body covered in wires and tubes. Balthazar reaches down to brush his fingertips over the back of Castiel's arm, straightening the IV tubing absently. The nurse smiles at him and pushes a chair closer for him to sit. Balthazar takes a seat and watches her move around the room. She reaches up to press a series of buttons on the monitor and then turns to make an adjustment on one of the IV pumps by Castiel's bed. Her name badge reads _Gwen _and Balthazar thinks he's met her before, but he's not sure, "You can talk to him, you know. He can hear you."

Balthazar nods, "I know."

Gwen smiles and rubs a hand over his shoulder, "I'll be down the hall if you need me."

With that, the nurse walks out of the room, leaving him alone with Castiel. He sits forward and presses a kiss to the younger man's temple, fingers smoothing the dark locks off his forehead. Balthazar reaches up and traces this fingertip around the endotracheal tube securement device, knowing full well that Castiel's skin will break out from the adhesive on the pads. His touch makes Castiel's heart rate speed up, face twitching in his sedated slumber. Balthazar soothes gently, "Shhhh, Cassie. It's just me, sweet boy. I'm right here…watching over you. I won't leave you alone again. Remember when I promised I would always come and make sure you're okay? Well, I keep my promises. I always will, darling boy. Just relax…I'll keep watch over you for as long as you want." He looks up, a small smile curling his lips when Castiel's heart rate slows back down.

Balthazar looks up when Gwen peeks inside a while later, asking if it's okay for the 'cute cop' to come in and see Dr. Novak. He nods and stands up as Dean steps into the room. The green-eyed man is thankfully no longer in his bloody uniform. He's in a pair of jeans and a plain white undershirt, hair wet from a recent shower. "Thanks for letting me see him, Dr. Sebastian. I won't be long…just wanted to see how he was with my own two eyes, is all." Balthazar nods and stands up, waving Dean closer to the bed, stepping out into the hall to give them privacy. He leans on the wall outside the door, sliding down to sit on the floor, his wrists draped over his knees. Gwen wanders over and hands him a cup of coffee and he smiles up at her in thanks. He feels like an ass for eavesdropping on Dean, but he can't find the strength to wander too far. When the man whispers _'I love you'_ to Castiel in a tear-clogged voice, it makes Balthazar wish that he had.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"_And now I miss everything about you (still you're gone)._

_I can't believe it…I still want you (And I'm lovin' you, I never should have walked away)._

_After all the things we've been through (I know it's never gonna come again)_

_I miss everything about you."_

-May 2012-

Balthazar watches Castiel absently chew on his thumbnail and feels that almost forgotten hope twist and die in his chest. He doesn't know why he's surprised that it was still lingering, hidden inside him. Balthazar has always known that he'll love the younger man until the day he dies. He's almost sure that Castiel will be the last thing he thinks about as he ceases to draw breath. Morbid? Probably. True? Definitely. Seeing Castiel watch that television anxiously makes the protector within him to swirl to the surface. Balthazar steps closer and attempts to comfort his friend, "I'm sure he's fine, Cassie."

It stings a little that his attempt at comfort is barely acknowledged but he's even more wounded by the reprimand from his colleague seconds later, "You _had_ to say something, didn't you? Bastard." Yet, he still pulls the other man into his side and presses a kiss to his temple, playing the role of supportive best friend to a tee. If he drinks himself into a stupor later, no one has to know and no one ever will.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

-October 2012-

"You're too old to be a player, Balthazar. You sleep around because you have nothing left to give. I feel sorry for you, actually. It's quite pathetic; a man your age acting the way you do. Grow up."

Balthazar winces, "Chris, please…I know things have been difficult, but I'm-'"

"_Things_ will never change with you, Balthazar! You can't give someone a monogamous relationship because you're already IN one! The problem with that is _you're_ the only one aware of it! He'll never love you like you love him, Balthazar! Never! I've given you everything he never will and it still isn't enough."

Christian pauses to take a breath and Balthazar takes a step closer, "Chris…"

His boyfriend interrupts him with a frustrated wave of his hand, backing away from him, "I'm not your precious Castiel and I never will be. I tried…God help me, I tried, but I can't ignore the fact that you'll never love someone as much as you love him and I can't live like that, Balthazar. I can't. Not anymore. If you ever really cared about me, let me go…let me find that love for myself. I deserve it. I deserve that chance at happiness."

Balthazar swallows hard and nods, hands falling uselessly at his sides. He knows it's an exercise in futility, attempting to convince Chris to stay. The other man has already packed and taken his belongings out of the apartment while Balthazar was at work. Christian gives him a tight smile and turns to leave. He slings his messenger bag over his shoulder and after a few seconds of fumbling with his keychain, leaves the key to the condo on the entryway table before pulling open the front door and slipping out of Balthazar's life.

It's a few hours before the doctor realizes that with Christian gone, he'll be spending the holidays alone…again.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

-A few days before Christmas 2012-

Balthazar isn't aware that he's singing aloud until the woman in line behind him pipes up, "You have a nice voice."

He turns around slightly, "I apologize. I didn't realize I was-"

The woman smiles up at him and winks. "Don't worry about it. Like I said…nice voice." She wrinkles her nose cutely and teases, "Although, now that you've _spoken_…I'm uncertain if that's actually true or I'm simply lying to you because I'm a sucker for men with accents."

Balthazar laughs, he can't help it. She's cheeky and he's needed a reason to smile these past few weeks. He's never really liked the holidays. For years, he'd simply pretended for Castiel's sake, but now…there's no reason to even bother. He'll be spending another Christmas alone with his liquor cabinet and that's just fine with him. He looks up at the ceiling, listening to the music coming through the speakers. The current song isn't one he recognizes so it can't be the one he was singing along with. "I don't even know which song it was, honestly."

The line moves forward and Balthazar takes a few steps closer to the register. He puts his items on the conveyor belt and turns when the woman speaks up, "It was "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat." Balthazar frowns, trying to remember which song it is and freezes when she sings a line for him_, "'but I never told you what I should have said.'" _His throat closes up and Balthazar finds it hard to breathe, everything around him fading into the background as he shuts his eyes. The woman touches the back of his hand and Balthazar sucks in a breath, eyes snapping open once more. He reaches up and brushes the rebellious tear sliding down his cheek, chuckling softly in embarrassment before clearing his throat. She gives him an empathetic smile and whispers, "Break-ups suck, huh?"

Balthazar gives her a small nod and for some unknown reason, tells her, "It's even worse when you realize you're still not over them and they have no clue just how much it pains you to see them at work every day." He turns to hand his debit card to the cashier then signs the small screen with the attached stylus. Balthazar slips his card away and picks up his grocery bag, lifting a hand to wave at the woman, "Have a nice day." She waves at him with a sad smile and Balthazar almost says something else, but he phone rings and wouldn't you know it, speak of the devil, "Hello, Cassie."

"_Baz, don't forget you're coming to our place for Christmas. That's an order."_

"Excuse me?" Balthazar scoffs and pulls the phone away to stare at it in shock. The tinny sound of Castiel's voice makes him put the phone back to his ear. "Did you seriously just give me an order? I already told you I have plans, Castiel."

He hears Castiel breathing softly and then a muffled conversation on the other end before Dean's voice comes over the line, _"I know he didn't stutter, Balthazar. You. Our place. Christmas. Be here or I'll hunt you down, Frenchy. Trust me, you don't want me looking for you because you made my boyfriend sad." _Balthazar hears Castiel whisper something to Dean, but he doesn't quite catch what it is._ "So what time can we expect you?"_

He unlocks his car door and sits down, putting his grocery bag on the passenger seat. Balthazar shuts his door and starts the car, leaning his head back against the headrest. It's on the tip of his tongue to lash out at the policeman, but instead, he simply sighs and answers, "Whatever time you want me to be there, I'll show up."

He can practically hear the smile in Dean's voice, _"Great! Cas'll let you know. You don't need to bring anything; we've got dinner and drinks covered. And don't worry about gifts…you being here will be our Christmas gift, deal?" _Balthazar smiles sadly and pulls the seatbelt across his body, clicking the buckle closed. _"Balthazar?"_

"Deal, Dean. No gifts needed. Too bad I already bought you two something. You'll take it and like it and _that's_ an order."

Dean laughs, _"Touché, Franny. See you then."_

Balthazar scowls at the nickname and is about to make a scathing remark, but the other man has already ended the call. He stares down at the cellphone as if the conversation was its fault and shakes his head. Well, now…seems he wasn't spending Christmas alone this year after all.


End file.
